"It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others." - Steven Wright

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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

NO EXCUSE FOR BAD BREATH

Why is it always the guys with foul breath who insist on attacking you with their lizard tongue? I love to kiss, but not when it makes me gag. If a lady asks you to gargle, put the mouthwash in your mouth and gargle until the count of sixty. The lady shouldn't even have to ask you to do this. Good breath is basic hygiene and easy to accomplish.

Bad breath lives on your tongue. It's that thing in your mouth that helps you speak and taste stuff, the thing you like to awkwardly jab down your victim's throat. Basic oral hygiene 101 dictates that you brush your teeth and floss thoroughly every morning and every evening before you go to bed.

If you have a date, brush your teeth no more than an hour before it. More importantly, brush your tongue. My toothbrush has a tongue scraper on the backside of the regular bristle head. Go as far back as you can. I can control my gag reflex so well that I can brush all the way down to my lungs, but this is unnecessary. Just do your best to brush as far back as possible on your tongue. Holding your breath helps. Then, use mouthwash. Then, chew a piece of Eclipse or another brand of minty gum that is specifically designed to freshen breath.

When you arrive at your date's place or she arrives at your place, spit out your gum. Wait until the last minute to do this. The gum should be chewed for at least a half hour to have the proper effect.

If you follow my advice, you will find that you are smothered in kisses by your date, instead of watching her cover her nose with her hand as she backs away.

Imagine that!